The BIG day...

Today is the day!... I pack up Jay'son's diaper bag and get him ready to go to the clinic as soon as Jay gets home... Lord, Please don't let me be pregnant again, I think to myself as my baby boy sits in his car seat babbling in his baby talk, waiting...as if to say "hurry-up, already", Its like he knows something big is going on.

Jay gets home and he looks like he is moving in slow motion, I know he is dreading the test just as much as me... I mean, our Lil man is ONLY 6 months, we're constantly fighting, we just broke up and bout to go our separate ways... and as of right now, we're just struggling to feed the 3 of us... how in the world can I handle another one... *sigh*... oh, well... time to go and face the music.

We all load up into the car and take that drive to the woman's clinic. We pull up, walk inside and I can feel all eyes on me, but can you blame them?... I write my name on the list and take the cup and walk to the back with the nurse. She points me to the bathroom, I walk in and close the door behind me... I swear I stood there for what seemed like an eternity. I feel like I already know without a doubt in my mind the results, but I look at the cup and hope it can prove me wrong... I write my name on it, and leave it in the little metal box and walk back to take a seat next to my baby boy... After about 5 minutes, the nurse calls my name, "Here it goes..." I think and drag myself to the counter; She didn't have to say a word... Her face said it all. She knew the last thing I wanted to hear was "... It's positive". The tears start to sting my eyes, I try to choke them back, but as she is handing me pamphlet after pamphlet about my "options", I can't hold them back any longer. I grab the stack of papers and leave, Jay soon meets me outside and the look on my face and the tears streaming down say it ALL. We get in the car and we sit there, no one speaks... all I could was cry. I keep asking myself, 'How could this happen' (okay, I know how it could happen) but why?... why now?...

So its been a week now and still no Aunt Flo... I guess its time to tell Jay that I'm late... but Dammit!... We just got into yet, another blow-up, WTF?!... He just told me last night he wants to go our separate ways... he loves me, but he's no longer in love with me (whatever that means...?). If I tell him now, it'll seem a bit odd... but oh, well.. It is what it is, I just hope he handles it like a man... I'll tell him when he gets home.

I've made dinner, gave Jay'son his bath, and I look at the clock... it's 7pm, Jay should be getting home soon... my mind keeps wondering to all the 'what ifs'... but I'm jumping to conclusions...I need to relax, I still need to test... But things are sooo tight right now, I can't even afford a home pregnancy test, "what in the world am I going to do?!"

Jay's home now, we sit down for dinner, I intend to tell him, but things are akward enough with everything that happened last night; I just can't find the words. After about an hour, we settle down for the night and we are watching TV and out of nowhere, I blurt out "I'm late"... I wasn't intending to just say it, but hey, I'm glad it's out there now... nothing, he's silent. "Jay, did you hear me?"... silently hoping he didn't, but at the same time hoping he did just so I didn't have to repeat it. "Yeah, I hear you... "... um, okay. After about 5 minutes he reaches over and hugs me, it feels forced, but I welcome it... "It's okay, we'll figure something out"... we'll... That's all I was hoping to hear... so I'm not completly alone in this after all...

"That must have been some bad Carne Asada...."

Oh, my goodness... I feel like I'm going die! It's 10am and I have been throwing up all morning. 'Oh, No!' I check the date on my calendar and Aunt Flo is 2 days late, 'No biggie' I think to myself, 'I've always been irregular'... So I dismiss it as it just being the Carne Asada burrito I ate for dinner the night before... I pull myself off the bathroom floor and get ready to work. I look at myself in the mirror, something is different, yet familiar... I can't shake the feeling that something is not right... but I refuse to think I'm... PREGNANT... No,not again, not now...