The BIG day...

Today is the day!... I pack up Jay'son's diaper bag and get him ready to go to the clinic as soon as Jay gets home... Lord, Please don't let me be pregnant again, I think to myself as my baby boy sits in his car seat babbling in his baby talk, waiting...as if to say "hurry-up, already", Its like he knows something big is going on.

Jay gets home and he looks like he is moving in slow motion, I know he is dreading the test just as much as me... I mean, our Lil man is ONLY 6 months, we're constantly fighting, we just broke up and bout to go our separate ways... and as of right now, we're just struggling to feed the 3 of us... how in the world can I handle another one... *sigh*... oh, well... time to go and face the music.

We all load up into the car and take that drive to the woman's clinic. We pull up, walk inside and I can feel all eyes on me, but can you blame them?... I write my name on the list and take the cup and walk to the back with the nurse. She points me to the bathroom, I walk in and close the door behind me... I swear I stood there for what seemed like an eternity. I feel like I already know without a doubt in my mind the results, but I look at the cup and hope it can prove me wrong... I write my name on it, and leave it in the little metal box and walk back to take a seat next to my baby boy... After about 5 minutes, the nurse calls my name, "Here it goes..." I think and drag myself to the counter; She didn't have to say a word... Her face said it all. She knew the last thing I wanted to hear was "... It's positive". The tears start to sting my eyes, I try to choke them back, but as she is handing me pamphlet after pamphlet about my "options", I can't hold them back any longer. I grab the stack of papers and leave, Jay soon meets me outside and the look on my face and the tears streaming down say it ALL. We get in the car and we sit there, no one speaks... all I could was cry. I keep asking myself, 'How could this happen' (okay, I know how it could happen) but why?... why now?...